According to my plans since September, I was to be in China right now on a five week mission trip. When that trip got canceled because of the way China is handling foreigners right now, it was a very tearful morning... here's a glimpse from my journal of some of what I've been wrestling with with God.
God, I’m trying to understand. And I know I don’t need to. Thank you for showing my sin in several areas: I was prideful about mission, am prideful. I’ve adopted it as my mission, not God’s. Lord, grant me humility and surrender, that I may not puff myself up, but only recognize Your true dimensions. I don’t have enough faith, god. I know that You’ve always provided the funds for ministry, now I have to trust you to give me the money to live. that is so much harder, God, because I feel like it’s “regular,” and the regular should be my responsibility through regular means. But no means of support is regular, because You hold all creation together. Lord, increase my faith to meet this circumstance with grace and joy. Why am I so sad? Disappointed hopes? Changing expectations? I’d like to say it’s because I was so passionate about the kids in China meeting you that the loss of their souls broke me, but that’s not true. I think it’s confusing that I thought I was doing Your will, was so set on obeying You in this way, that the way took over the obedience. Lord, widen my focus back off of doing things to loving You.
Comments (5)
Wow, that 's cool. I don't think I've thought that way before. "But no means of support is regular, because You hold all creation together."
I don't know that exact feeling but I feel as if I know similar feelings.
my church just sent out 40 of our missionaries, 6 for 1 year term, into the heart of china. i'm very sad that you weren't able to go, but take heart!! the work is being done still. let's be prayer warriors together! : )
-g
I've been to cheng-du myself.
I think that is so easy to do, to take over God's will for us and make it ours and then be so disappointed when it changes. He is there for you and will help you grow during this time of disappointment!